Tuesday, December 9, 2008

sad day

I intend for this blog to not be a big debbie-downer, but right now that's hard.

Last year, I had my first real relationship. We were together for over a year and there were hard times but it was pretty amazing. But he was younger and went off to school far away and became busy with stuff and we broke up right when school starting, despite having discussed that we were staying together just a week before. It was horrible. I've had bad things in my life, but this was a completely different kind of pain. It consumed me. I couldn't sleep. This is such a cliché thing to say, but I felt like being sad would never go away.

But it gradually did. Eventually I wasn't sad all the time, and then I wasn't sad most of the time. I was busy with school and working and friends. But on Saturday everything came flooding back. I looked at his facebook and saw that he was in a relationship. I know that before Saturday we weren't together and after Saturday we weren't together but as soon I saw that I immediately started crying. The thought of it still makes me nauseas. Honestly. I feel sick to my stomach when I think that he has a girlfriend. I don't want to be with him, I know all the reasons we broke up, but I feel sick and sad and it kills me. But it gets better and I keep telling myself that like the initial break up each day it will get a little better. It just sucks because it's finals time so I am either studying, writing papers, or taking tests. Which leaves a lot of down time to wallow.

After we broke up, he decided that being mean to me would be the best way for me to move on. He told me that he had stopped loving me and that he wasn't sure he ever had, that he wasn't sure what love is. That still haunts me. I tell myself that he said that he was being mean or was trying to move on himself or something. Because we were together for over a year and I could feel that he loved me. I read the letters he wrote me saying how much I meant to him. But it still kills me that he said that.

Just when I was doing so well with the breakup this new thing came along. This was my first real relationship, I've never been through something like this. When do I stop feeling so badly? When do I stop caring that he has a new girlfriend?

p.s. I'll try to be funny next time. :(


The Pumpernickel said...

As personal a hell as breaking up is, it's really comforting to know other people are going through it too. It makes it seem less horrible, I think.

Your post really got to me too, almost the exact same thing happened to me but with a slightly different timeline. When he got a new girlfriend (three weeks after we broke up), I wanted to vomit. When he told me he didn't think he ever loved me, I felt sick for a week. And every time he ignored my messages, I wanted to cry.

It gets better though, even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Having something as emotionally charged as a breakup with your first love back up on you every now and then means you're a normal, well adjusted person. That's what I tell myself, at least.

The boy is the emotionally stunted one. Who needs him! Boo men. Chin up, chica :)

f.B said...

"When do I stop caring that he has a new girlfriend?"

you stop caring when it's time to. there's no rush here. a little sadness can be healthy. don't make it more difficult by being afraid of it. just don't let it overwhelm you.